


Your reflection on me

by MeRancholilt (SKanamiRye)



Series: Sand, Glass and Shards [2]
Category: Shall We Date?: Obey Me!
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Childhood Trauma, Death, Emotional Hurt, Gen, I'm Bad At Summaries, I'm Bad At Tagging, Internal Conflict, Multi, Not Beta Read, Psychological Trauma, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Temporary Character Death, Trauma, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-29
Updated: 2020-07-29
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:48:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25591561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SKanamiRye/pseuds/MeRancholilt
Summary: MC's contemplation about their life and their worth after everything they went through in their lifeSpoilers for Lesson 16
Series: Sand, Glass and Shards [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1839280
Comments: 2
Kudos: 61





	Your reflection on me

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, I'm back with another work :> This is basically just a vent fic. I've been keeping my emotions bottled for too long and couldn't really let it out because a lot of reasons and I didn't have the right means to express it, until i came across lesson 16.  
> I hope I'm not the only one to feel this but MC didn't have much say in this whole fucking problem. Their reaction to the whole thing was too "empty", like they're an emotionless husk or someting. I really expected options like: "WTF??" or at least a full on "WHATTTTT?!" but nope, nothing. I mean MC fucking DIED here and they can't even voice it out?? What?? Why were the options seems like this situation wouldn't have an impact on anyone? And not only that, a lot of things doesn't make much sense too. Call me overreacting or whatever but I felt bad for MC, they deserve better :< To me MC isn't just a simple representation of us but rather a being with feelings who went through this adventure with the players (how I say it may sound weird but you get what i mean)  
> And the whole scenario made me feel related somewhat to MC's situation so I combined them and...this was made  
> English is my second language so expect some errors here and there, strange choices of phrasing sentences. Feel free to give me some feedback. I appreciate it a lot and it will help me improve in the future ^^  
> Hope you'll enjoy this <3

You were never yourself

  
  


No one ever looked at you as yourself

This was normal…

  
  


For as long as you can remember, you were never a projection of yourself

  
  


Only for the others…

  
  


.

  
  


.

  
  


.

  
  


.

  
  


.

  
  


.

  
  


.

  
  


.

  
  


"...Lilith..."

  
  


"Lilith...!"

  
  


"I don't believe it…!"

  
  


"Is this for real…?"

  
  


I can't hear anything else but the name ringing in my ears…

  
  


They're not calling my name

  
  


Not anymore, not now…

  
  


After the whole time travelling and alternated timeline incident, Diavolo had come to the House of Lamentation to announced that I was the human Lilith's, the deceased sister of the seven Avatars of Sin, descendant. It was definitely an unexpected turn of event, even for yourself. And of course, the brothers were happy about it. Their sister lived as human and had a happy life. All misunderstandings were erased. Belphegor no longer held his hatred against humanity anymore after hearing his sister were a human. All well ends well. Everyone was happy. Everything was fine...

  
  


Nothing was fine

  
  


Their voices were distant…

  
  


Their embrace was cold…

  
  


It was hard to breath...

  
  


They were chanting **her** name. They were seeing **her** . They were hugging her, laughing with **her** , with Lilith. Not with MC, the human exchange student that they had come to love and bonded for the past months. No. None of that.

  
  


Did you die? Have you disappeared along with your alternate timeline self? You didn't die physically like the broken, bloodied self, tossed on the ground with their bones twisted and struggling to hold onto their last breaths. You had 'disappeared', reduced to nothingness, forgotten, nonexistent. The brothers weren't looking at you. They were looking **through** you, at their beloved, long gone sister.

  
  


It wasn't like this was the first time this happened. It had been a regular occurence, in fact. For as long as you could remember, you have always been a mirror. Everyone around you were successful people. It was fine actually, having someone close to look up to. If only it was all there is to it. Being born in a family with the tradition of always obtaining high knowledge, being successful and graceful was a lifetime standard. The peer pressure was invisible and toxicating. As a child, you had never paid it much mind. You wished to be like them. You were praised. You were loved. You were acknowledged. You had potential. Things were well. You had a happy childhood.

  
  


Oh poor, poor, naive child. How you were blinded from the true colors around you. How you viewed the world through your pretty pink kaleidoscope. 

  
  


It was only when you'd grown up, tripped on your feet, that the true nature of their words, of their actions sank in. Especially your grandmother's words. The sweet lies she poured in your ears were nothing but a front. "They were just like me when I was…" No, you were nothing like her. You were not a liar. Not like her. "They're so hardworking like me. Back when i was young I had to study and work at the same time during the war. It was…". No, she didn't do anything. All she did was inheriting the elders' money and live a luxury, or how she had called it - hard, life. The jobs she did were just for show. They earned her nowhere near a tiny fraction of her fortune. And you on the other hand? You didn't have much of a comfortable life. You were luck enough that your family had enough to eat. You were lucky you had clothes to wear, you got to go to school. You were even lucky enough to get nice treats sometimes. They weren't much, but it was everything a kid like you could get. But even that didn't last long. The money soon weren't enough to sustain your family. You no longer could get your hands on the cheapest thing - you were practically forbidden from it. The meals you had were reduced down to the simplest things. This had gone on for a while, your family earning a small sum and ran out of it. But eventually the situation was solved thanks to your mother. And from then on your life have become somewhat better. Well, materialistically speaking only. Your mental state hasn't improve. If anything it has been worse. Before the financial situation was improved, you and your family had to endure sneers and subtle insults about how useless they were that they couldn't even make enough money from your relatives. And the last straw for you must've been the time when everyone got together for the annual New Year party. Your grandmother, one that you used to have so much respect despite not understanding all the insults she threw at your family, decided to rub salts to the wound by slapping you in the face with a snide remark of that you should work harder at school so that you can find a well-earned job do that you wouldn't be like your parents. At first glance, it sounded like normal words of encouragement, but you knew that it wasn't all. "Don't be like your parents". Excuse me? What are you trying to imply here? They were the ones who raised me. They were the ones who worked their bones out earning money to feed me. Where were you when we needed help? She was always saying how you were her best descendant and all the bullshit praises mainly to make her look oh so high and mighty in other people's eyes. But she abandoned you and your family when you were miserable and needed help. She has enough money to spare for travelling from one country to another but she chose to ignore your misery. And now she had the audacity to stand here acting like all the good things you have now are thanks to **her**.

  
  


In the end, you were just being used as an excuse for them to flaunt their achievement. You were used to reflect their personality. It felt like you were nothing more than a puppet, being toyed around for their own entertainment. You hated them. You hated yourself. You were terrified that one day you will become like them - liars, manipulative, all the things you despise. You don't want to be like them. You want to be different, better. You wanted to be **_you_ **.

  
  


All of this was why you decided to change, to be a better person, to not be them. You tried to be as helpful as you can, you treated others with nothing but kindness. You tried your hardest to seal away the awful part of yourself - full of rage and negativity. You were patience and forgiving with the others, even when they yelled and spat hurtful words at you. You always wore a smile despite all of it, because you either knew what they were going through or you at least tried to put yourself in their shoes.

  
  


Which is why the more it hurts to see all your efforts being trampled like this. You thought your hard work had finally paid off, that you were finally free from the shackles of the past, of your own demon. You thought the brothers had finally acknowledge you for who you are and not just some random lowly human. You didn't mind risking your life for any of them, if it means you could help mend their broken family then yes why not do it. Even if you suffered through your sick excuse of a family, it doesn't mean anyone should go through the same. Sure, they weren't fond of you at first, but it didn't stop you anyway. And sure, you may or may not have thought about death and how you would actively seek out for it, but in the end you never really did it because you hate leaving things unfinished. That was why you accept to help Belphegor even when every fiber of your being screamed doubt at you. And you only shook it away by assuring yourself you were doing this for Beelzebub. And you could've let go the moment Belphegor betrayed you, you had wanted it at the back of your mind for so long now and you didn't have a specific reason to do it, but you heard out Lilith's pleas and once again your sympathy got the better of you. You accepted to return and got to see how the alternate you kicked the bucket. Despite your wish to let go of everything, you didn't like being in pain. And it still terrified you to see a doppelganger of yourself dying and writhing and covered in blood with an expression of someone going through so many level of pain at once. You're not really sure whether it was because of your survival instinct or your fear of pain clawing at the pit of your stomach at that point. But you were sure this will be an image to be carved deep into your memories.

  
  


And soon enough, you recovered somewhat from the incident. The brothers have also returned to their sense and give you your name back. But they still slipped up sometimes, much to your dismay. You would never admit it, but you weren't comfortable with their change in attitudes towards you either. They did shower you in affection before all of this bullshit, but now it feels different, like they were making up for lost time than actually spending time with you. But that could've been you overreacting and imagining it. But you could let that slide somewhat because you reminded yourself that they didn't treat you any differently before this, still with love and affection, so you could ignore it along with the slightest irritation in your gut. The unsettling feeling was still there in your subconscious. And oh if only that was all. If the feeling towards the rest of the brothers was like a simmering fire on an almost burned out candle, then it was definitely close to a blazing incinerator when it comes to Belphegor. You forgave him, sure, but you couldn't stand the 180° personality shift. One moment he was like "fuck humans i will obliterate them all" and then in the next moment he found out you were Lilith's descendant he acts like nothing ever happened. He apologized afterwards and expressed that he wanted to make it up to you, but you didn't buy it. It all felt like he was nice to you just because you were related to his dead sister even when he told you it wasn't the case. I mean, how could you still believe him after all that? The change was too sudden for any sensible being to cope with, it just doesn't make any sense. And he lied to you, tricked you, manipulated you not just once but too many damn times and if you still trust him then you definitely have some brain damage. You really wanted to forget, but you couldn't. The feeling of the air leaving your lungs, your head spinning as your vision started to blur and darken, every ribs and bones painfully pierced your organs. You will never forget how you suffered in your last dying moments.

  
  


You feel conflicted with all these situation. You don't like harbouring hate because it would only be a burden to your mind, but you couldn't stop the anger growing with each passing moment. _Such pathetic human flaw_ , you thought. You hate how you couldn't forget, couldn't completely forgive and move on, couldn't erase this pathetic and disgusting emotions off of your brain so you could continue living carefree and happy. You hate your fate, bittersweet, filled with lies and happiness that only lasted a fleeting moment. You hate all of it. You want to change this, but what can you do? Nothing. You can't do anything but to accept your fate. To accept yourself as a mirror, to be a reflection of what others are and what they want to see. You will never be your own person. Only an object. 

  
  


**_After all, a mirror was made to be seen, not to be heard._ **

**Author's Note:**

> While this is a vent but I refrain a bit from going full on rambling every detail since I didn't want to stray too far from my initial idea. Many of you might feel the same about the stress and conflict from your family, and the pain and awful thoughts and self-doubt coming from your heart. I don't wish to invoke any bad memories you may have and make your day gloom. I'm not the best at soothing people so all I can say is: "Keep on fighting. I'm rooting for you <3". Life maybe hard now, with all the disasters going on in the world, being stressful and worried is inevitable, but I believe we can make it through (b°v°)b


End file.
